I usually make it an intentional practice to not post on Sundays. Its a day that I use to get prepared for the week, and most importantly spend time with my son at church. I need and appreciate the time that I spend in church each week, dropping off all of my burdens and anxieties for the week. But this week for some reason was more treacherous than most. I felt like everything I did was under attack, and I couldn’t win for losing. I was overwhelmed, getting criticized, people just not showing up the way they needed to, work piling up… it was really wearing me out.
Ever since I launched this website, I have been under such pressure from my self to prove so many people wrong about what I can and can’t do. It also seems like for every triumph that I have, there are at least potentials for failure sitting around the corner. I have this little merengue dance going on in my life lately – opportunity, barrier, opportunity, barrier. Some days I feel like this company is too small, and we’re going to fail, so I should quit. Other days it seems like the brand is too big, and I’m not equipped to handle the magnitude of how big its threatening to be. It gets to be so well rehearsed, that all I can do is laugh. But I wasn’t laughing this morning when I woke up. My soul was tired. Have you been so beat up by circumstances, that your spirit feels like its weeping inside of your chest? Well, I wasn’t there yet, but I felt it coming. So in my depression and anxiety, I reached for the Bible, and as always ran across a few perfect words.
“Turn away my eyes from beholding vanity (idols and idolatry); and restore me to vigorous life and health in Your ways.” – Psalm 119:37
My idols and idolatry in this case are my insecurities and fears. I’ve been carrying them around for so long, that I’ve come to worship what I’m convinced I can’t do. I came off a season of mass success in corporate America, to a shift and change when I became a mother, that gave me the fire to become an entrepreneur. But being honest with you, those shifts and changes actually sent me into a season of failure… where I sat for a while, comfortably feeling sorry for myself.
So I’m going to begin declaring it now. 2015 is going to be a year of “vigorous life and health” according to God’s way of doing things. I was reminded today in church and through this passage, that I didn’t go into creating this beauty blog and website for my own purposes. This was never about vanity for me, which is why I believe I have attracted so many strong and amazing women that have agreed to go on this journey with me. I know there are things that I need to do for restoration. There are certain bad habits I need to toss, people I need to quit associating with, past situations and circumstances I need to let go of. But I’m determined!
What about you? What are you declaring for your 2015?